I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
