The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
