who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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