the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
