i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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