There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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