Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
