My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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