he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
