So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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