i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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