Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Randomize
