The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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