we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
