After last night, I could never be a politician.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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