Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He kissed a someone with a penis
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
