I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
