my vag is so smooth its legendary
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
