Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
