I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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