I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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