I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
