can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just cut my nipple shaving
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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