I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
