On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
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I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
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Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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