so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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