so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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