Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
