Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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