I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
