Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
