He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
