The maid of honor just puked.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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