Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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