I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.