I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
