Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
