You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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