i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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