tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
