woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
