Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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