Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
