I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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