so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
