I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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