a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
