They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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