dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
