glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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