True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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