I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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